so have you ever dug up all your old journals and read them cover to cover just to discover that you have barely changed at all over the past few years even though everything is different.  it is slightly pathetic to notice the small amount of growth that i have had over the years.  i still to this day will never fully understand relationships or how to normally get over them.  i still thrive off inflicting emotional pain on myself and setting myself up for disaster after disaster just to remind myself that i can still feel and not emotionally dead.  and i think that i have found the root of my funk for the past few months is that even though i was hoping to feel (not sure if i was looking to feel better or worse) but i ended up feeling numb the one thing i feared. it has been over a month without the call and even though i dont know what i would say if i got it or if i would even answer it is hard to feel so discarded and used up,  all it was for him was closure and all it was to me was a creation of a enormous hole in my chest.  but i think that maybe it was closure for me too and the emptiness that i feel is the loss of hope that it wasnt over and the realization that i am finally done.  i dont think that i have ever been to this point before the one time before that i was getting over someone i liked alot i never actually did and just jumped into a long term relationship and buried it in the back of my mind.  and i find it still resurfaces even today and it has been years.  i think my heart is no longer attached to his anymore and i am not sure if it is turned off completely but i am definately not feeling anything anymore which is slightly disturbing.

i am trying to change my focus towards the future and finding out what i am going to do after graduating and make a plan.  i need to revise my resume and make a cover letter ohh yeah and find a career so i dont have to move to flordia.  i am getting a little excited about figuring things out and applying for jobs thati am actually interested in and that i have been going to school to be able to work well.